Resisting My Cave

Adrian is 11 days late. This is my longest pregnancy. I could write it off as dates being off except the due date is calculated based on ovulation. I ovulated way late (due to nursing Fritz) the cycle we got pregnant. Based on LMP I’d have been due in May. For whatever reason he just needs more time inside than most. There are signs he will be here very, very soon. That, at least, is encouraging.

Every minute of every day is a mental struggle to stay in my happy place and not go into what I call the cave. I went there when I was past my due date with Fritz. It’s a decidedly unhappy place and I refuse to go there this time. The struggle gets harder the further past my due date I go.

At the end of my pregnancy with Fritz I got nasty, depressed, and refused, basically, to be a mom to the two kids I already had. The day before Fritz was born I refused to even get out of bed. Ian stayed home from work that day to take care of the kids. He downloaded the entire first season of Jake Long: American Dragon for the kids and now I always think of Fritz’s birth when I hear the theme song. They are permanently linked in my mind.

This time I am fighting the urge to go into that cave. I don’t want to go there. I am working hard to continue to do what we normally do every day. Miracle Music in the morning and evening. Loosely following our normal schedule. Laundry on Monday and Thursday and sheets on Friday. Fritz’s diapers washed as needed and then stuffed with the inserts right away. Stuff like that. If I don’t keep doing the normal stuff I am afraid I will end up in that cave. The pull toward it at this point is pretty strong. I really, really don’t want to go there.

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